seeking discomfort in relationships
it's high risk, but also such high reward
I’ll admit it. I’m a hardcore people pleaser.
People pleasing is my way of keeping the peace. I pay attention to what people want, work within those bounds, and keep people happy. It’s simple.
But in the past half year, I’ve become less and less content with it. People pleasing means avoiding the hard stuff, the truth, my truth.
Over the past month, I’ve been testing what it’s like to be searingly honest in my relationships.
And it’s been such a ride.
Getting uncomfortably honest
In the past few weeks, I’ve gotten honest with people from what feels like every part of my life.
I confessed to my younger sister that I wanted we spent more time together but felt needy and insecure asking for it.
I told friends that I was craving more platonic physical touch in my friendships — despite of my overwhelming fears of rejection.
I told a community member that I was uncomfortable with our relationship and had issues with the way they were treating others in our community.
I asked a friend I looked up to to do a coaching call with me and it went all sorts of wrong — which we then took as a chance to dig into the emotional distance and insecurity that hid in the corners of our relationship.
Breaking the status quo with new words was terrifying. I was never quite sure if this would be the moment that my friends would turn their backs. Sometimes I’d wind up in situations where I’d feel so so shitty and wish that I had never said anything in the first place.
But at the very end, I always came out with immense gratitude. Because by being honest, I got to reach new depths in my relationships. I learned where our values aligned (and sometimes where they didn’t). And with this knowledge, I could decide which relationships I wanted to invest more in and in which ones I was ready to let go.
Being honest gave me clarity. And that made me feel freer than people pleasing ever could.
try it out yourself !
Now I’m not suggesting you start saying everything to everyone. But there are lots of small ways you can start showing up more honestly in your relationships. This could look like:
Telling your friend that the real reason you’re not going to their party is because you don’t feel comfy hanging out in large groups
Making the first move in a new friendship ex. asking a new friend to get coffee
Sharing with a coworker that you’ve been struggling with their collaboration style
Getting honest is uncomfortable, but it’s also extremely liberating. It’s so incredibly rewarding to be able to speak up for yourself regardless of the consequences. Needless to say, you’re going to need a whole lot of self love and self worth to feel ready to take this leap (it took me more than a year to get to this place 🙃). Anyways, hit reply if you decide to try it out— I’d love to hear how it goes for you!
A few recs for you
Of course I gotta share some things I’m excited about..
📷 We’re going into the season of rest and recovery, but why is rest always so hard?? Simone Seol shares a few reasons why and it makes so much sense.
✍️ My friend Tiffany wrote this piece about the ups and downs she experienced while navigating some of the most textbook markers of success — going to an elite school, studying medicine, and founding a startup. Truly loved the honesty.
📘 Finally finished the memoir House of Sticks - it was heartbreaking to see how her need to honor her parents and uphold the expectations of those that believed in her actually caused her to pull away and fail alone. So beautifully written.
🎵 The end of the year has got me returning to this masterpiece…#odeszaforever
That’s all for now! Heading out for the holidays, but may or may not write along the way. Wishing you all a steady and measured end of your year <3