scribbles: the growth paradox
plus a few other mental frameworks on my mind
In the past month, it feels like I’ve been community building everywhere. Just in the last 3 weeks, I:
hosted a think & drink where strangers came together and talked about things they had learned “the hard way”
organized a “more human, less networky” coaches meetup
opened our house for weekly coworking hours in our “cat cafe”
held a potluck for the members of “Jellytown”, an identity I invented to inspire more close connection amongst the important people in Justin’s and my life.
The idea of building a stronger local community has been on my mind for a while now, but I never realized how quickly it could start coming together. I’m honestly in awe at how much people are open to the event ideas I’ve come up with and have had fun. And yet, this week I realized — the more events I run, the more anxious I’ve been feeling.
A couple hours before that first potluck, I dragged Justin on a walk with me so I could ask him for his opinion. What did he think about these conversation topics? What about this seating format? Was a brainstorm too formal? But for each question, he didn’t have a strong preference — and that made me increasingly frustrated.
“Can you just give me your honest answer???”
“Kelly, why do you need my opinion? What don’t you just trust your intuition?”
That’s when I burst into tears.
I was so frustrated and angry. I had thought that the more events I hosted, the more confident I would naturally become. Yet why did I feel even more anxious and afraid?Why was I acting so fucking small?
the growth paradox
I’ve seen this sort of behavior pop up a lot lately, not just in my life, but in that of my coachees and fellow coaches. I don’t know if it has a formal name, but I’m going to call it the growth paradox.
What is it?? Basically, when you initially work towards your goals, you are able to feel quite comfy and good with your growth. But as you get closer and closer to your most deeply desired dreams, your self-doubt and anxiety skyrockets — and it tries to pull you a bajillion steps back.
So why does this happen? I think it’s because the things we want most are also the things we feel most vulnerable around. The stakes get higher. The possibility of dreaming and then failing grows more real. So what does your body try to do? It tries to protect you by pushing you back to what it knows, to what feels safe — even if it’s not where you actually want to be.
It’s easy to assume that increasing self-doubt is a sign that something is wrong, but it might actually be a sign that you’re doing something right. It might actually mean that you’re on the edge of taking an important step to playing bigger.
I’m not sure how that self-doubt goes away, but I think having awareness of what’s going on is far more powerful than we think. So this week, instead of getting frustrated at my self-doubt, I’m going to try to welcome it :)
Other concepts on my mind
Go slow to go fast — upturning the traditional model of productivity:
I’m the type of person that is literally always on the move. I have things I want to get done, places I want to be. Each day, I add to my to-do list and then put my head down and get shit done. Even thought I can never quite finish, I keep pushing forward — because otherwise, I’m most definitely going to fall behind.
I call this way the “go-go-go’ mode — and I’ve been questioning this mode of productivity. Because even though it feels like I’m doing a lot, I come out on the other side still feeling behind, uncertain, and unconfident in who I am.
And I’m not surprised I feel this way. Because by rushing towards the future, I’m missing all of the juicy information in the present. I’m missing my wins, signs of my growth, data on what I’m good at, examples of what I find joy in — all of which, if I actually stopped to see it, would help me better see myself and where I want to go.
So now, I’m trying the productivity “slow mode”. After a coaching call, I sit and process what came up. When I read manga, I try to sit in it and enjoy the journey. I’m reading less — but I try to sit with the material, discuss it with others, and turn it over in my brain. Because it really doesn’t matter how much we do or how much info we take in. What really matters is how well we learn from it — because that’s what actually influences our path forward.
“No” is just a valuable data point
I’ve been working on my relationship with “no”.
By default, I can’t help but fear it, because to me, no means “you’re not worth it” or “you’re not good enough”.
But if I keep fearing the “no”, I will never try bold enough things that will help me find my way to a “yes”.
So I’ve been trying to think like a scientist. And to a scientist, a no is just a valuable data point in your experiment. It’s information that helps you iterate.
In my most recent experiment, I’ve been more boldly asking people if they want to work with me via coaching. And the no’s have been GREAT. Because in them is information about what holds people back, people’s relationships with money, and their willingness to dive into their deeper emotions to unlock their career.
The no’s still aren’t easy, but the reframe has given me a whole lot of interesting information to work with :)
Recs
📘 How We Show Up - by Mia Birdsong: I LOVE how many examples of nontraditional community building are shared in this book — super eyeopening on what community could look like vs. what we typically see in the nuclear suburban family.
🎵 Tonight by Mishega - really digging these soft tunes
Offerings
🎙️ First LinkedIn Audio Chat woo! I met Diane at a coaches retreat and we instantly bonded over our similar backstories (older sisters, immigrant families, high achievers) and all of the narratives we’ve had to work through to create careers that align with our values. One major topic that came up? Money.
Come chat with us about how your relationship with money affects your career (especially for people from immigrant backgrounds!). It’ll be at 12pm PST on Friday Feb 16. Sign up for the free LinkedIn audio chat here.
🌱 Reclaiming Your Agency - a group coaching experience. This spring I’ll be running group coaching for high achievers with immigrant backgrounds that want to reclaim their agency in their careers. It’ll be a space to uncover what’s in your way, dream bigger, get comfy asking for help, and discover a community of people who get you and are there to support you. If this sort of thing sounds interesting to you, reply to this email and lmk!
Love the "Go slow to go fast" :)