sunday scribbles: too much of a good thing
Thoughts on external validation, eye-gazing, and asking for help
It seemed like such a good thing at first.
Recently I had been noticing that the best way for me to gain momentum for a project was by talking it out with someone else.
So I decided to test it out. On four different ideas. At the same time.
Turns out, it worked.
Never had I had that much energy around so many ideas all at once. I was bouncing from phone call to phone call, furiously scribbling in my notebook. I had so much purpose.
It was exhilarating.
And yet — I woke up the next few mornings feeling utterly exhausted.
And then that exhaustion turned into anxiety.
There was so much to do. Things I wanted to achieve, learn, create, accomplish. The product manager in me knew that I needed to focus in and prioritize — but… everything felt important. I was drowning in my todos, yet I couldn’t stop.
My anxiety started seeping into my coaching calls, showing up in the form of impatience. And for the first time, I didn’t know how to help my client forward.
That’s when I panicked.
I called a coaching friend, looking for concrete answers. But he gave me something else.
Forget about the solutions right now. What feelings are coming up for you?
I was frustrated. I felt guilt for feeling frustrated. I felt like I was a bad coach.
For 30 minutes, he sat with me. He’d ask a question, then let it sit. Ask another, then let it sit.
He brought a slowness into the room — and he welcomed it to stay.
I felt my body start to calm down.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
As we sat there in the discomfort of silence, it helped me realize:
I’m still okay.
Even if I messed up, I’ll be okay.
Even without a solution, I’ll be okay.
Even if I take this little break, I’ll be okay.
Even if I do less, I’ll be okay.
.
.
I think projects get me excited because they give me purpose. It’s an external sign of my value, my ability to contribute. So I keep committing and committing — until my body can’t physically handle it and I fall apart (I literally got COVID the week after... if that’s not a sign from the universe I don’t know what is).
Making space is one of the hardest things for me, but it’s also so so critical. It’s not until I stop that I can feel how I’m doing and if what I’m doing is right for me.
I hope that eventually I’ll be able to realize— those projects I want to do, the things I want to create — even if I don’t choose them right now, they’ll still be there. They’ll be there for when I’m ready.
It takes the time it takes.
I love what this quote stands for. But when will I learn to fully live it?
That might be the most important project of all.
Other life thoughts from this month
I explored connection via eye gazing
This month I checked out Tea at Shiloh, a late night tea house in LA that is all about forging meaningful connections. Specifically, I went to attend a 3 hour workshop about eye gazing.
It sounds gimmicky, but it was actually incredibly fascinating. Over the course of the night, I stared into the eyes of 5 different people for 5 minutes each. And I experienced levels of connection that I never thought possible in such a short time.
That night, I cried, danced, hugged, and held hands with complete strangers.
The tea house became our alternate reality, where we can aside our judgments of who we could talk to and how we need to show up. It was beautiful.
Yet, as soon as the experience ended, I felt myself close up once again. While extremely liberating, that level of emotional depth was also frightening. And I had no idea how to continue building a relationship with these people I had only just met.
It makes me wonder.. how might we bridge the gap between experiences like these and the rest of our lives? What might it look like to bring even an ounce of this sort of vulnerability into the rest of my life?
I’ve been asking people for help — and it’s incredibly powerful
I’ve been trying to experiment more — but sometimes, it can be scary to try something new. The single best thing that has helped me conquer my fears and move forward is involving other people.
At first, I was afraid of asking — would they judge? Was my question silly? Would I seem too unconfident? But the support, collabs, and feedback I’ve gotten has shown me that asking is always worth it.
Here are some of the ways I’ve been involving others in what I do this month:
I’m in a small WhatsApp group where we send async voice notes about our various coaching musings and goals — and it’s so lovely and organic.
I messaged some friends to see if anyone was interested in testing out a new community experiment with me.
I asked my housemate if it was too much to post my writing as both a story and a post on Instagram — conclusion: it’s not — only I was judging myself.
I asked my newsletter if anyone wanted to read a book with me — and now I’m reading How We Show Up with an old frisbee teammate :)
I reached out to a new coaching friend in LA and we met up and talked about collab opportunities eep
I used to think it was a weakness to be reliant on others, but I’ve come to look at it as my strength. If asking others helps me more boldly explore my ideas, then I’m all for it.
Some recs:
📘No Bad Parts: This is a really fascinating book about Internal Family Systems (IFS), a newer therapy theory that you are made up of a bunch of parts that were developed at different stages of your life that are trying to protect you or that need to be healed. It’s a pretty interesting way of inviting more room for curiosity and understanding about yourself rather than judgment.
📘 Tao of Pooh: This was an incredibly grounding book to read that breaks down Taoism into a simple and fun read.
🎮 It Takes Two - I used to view video games as a waste of time, but this game is making me reconsider it. The collaboration, creative visuals, and approachable game mechanics has made it a really fun game to learn how to video game.
🎵 I’ve been stuck between Japanese instrumentals and RL Grime (current fav song here) [link] — idk what is happening lol
“To go fast, go alone. To go far, go together.”