The be-do-have mindset
Whether in sports or at work, the way we carry ourselves changes everything
This is Part 1 of a 3 part series about the Be-Do-Have mindset.
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Last weekend, my ultimate frisbee team and I went to our first tournament where we were not seeded in the top 4. In fact, we were seeded 13th — 4th from the bottom.
For those unfamiliar with the term “seeding”, it is a preliminary rank given to each team at a tournament. This rank is determined based on past performance during the season.
Now, there were 2 ways we could approach the weekend:
Approach #1: We could look at our seeding as a predictor for our performance and aim to win 1 to 2 games.
Approach #2: We could ignore our seeding and play to win the whole thing.
One seems grounded in reality, one seems like a pipe dream. Which approach would get us results?
The be-do-have mindset
There's this principle I recently learned about called “Be-Do-Have”.
The best way to explain it is by first walking you through the opposite idea - “Have-Do-Be”. “Have-Do-Be” is how most of us approach life. Only when we have [a certain thing] (i.e. x amount of money, that promotion) can we do what we want and then be who we want to be.
In terms of this frisbee tournament, that sort of thinking looks like this:
Once we get a good seeding, we can play well in our games and then be confident in our abilities as a team.
Sound familiar? This is Approach #1 from above.
While at first, this approach sounds quite practical (I mean, it’s based off of past data!), what might a team with this sort of thinking look like?
Oh there they are! Their shoulders are hunched, eyes looking away, bodies tense. There is very little banter or smiles among them.
They look scared — because they are. They’re already predicted to do poorly, so they’re scared of messing up and of losing by too much.
Funnily enough, that very fear is going to cause them to tighten up, overthink, and end up tanking their games.
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Now what would it look like if that same team led with “Be-Do-Have”?
We are confident in our abilities as a team, which means we will play well in our games and then get a better seeding for the next tournament.
This is Approach #2.
Now this team looks different. There they are on the field, standing tall, laughing, singing along to music, and giving each other high fives.
Some might say this team is being overly naive and optimistic, but the truth is, just by being confident in the work they’ve put in, this team holds itself differently. They stay loose. They trust their instincts. They trust each other. All of this will help them naturally play better against their competition and get a higher placement in the tournament.
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That weekend, my team chose Approach #2. We trusted our ability to get open, to choose the right throws to make, to keep fighting on defense. We did not let the score affect our belief in ourselves - many of us never knew the score at all, even when it was universe point. We kept reminding ourselves to trust each other, regardless of the score or the opponent.
It might feel crazy to ignore past results and aim for the top, but it worked. While we didn’t win the whole tournament, we did break seed, and more importantly, we played the best we have all season.
Applying it beyond sports
The “Be-Do-Have” mindset can change the way you show up to your job, approach a new business, or present yourself in social situations.
In my last product role, I constantly felt like I couldn’t get buy-in from leadership on my ideas. I’d do all of this research, gather opinions from my teammates, and put together a solid proposal, only to hem and haw as soon as the C-suite asked me a question. Over time, I grew to expect pushback, so I’d come in mentally prepared for yet another idea to get blocked.
The only times this didn’t happen was when my immediate manager stepped in. He responded with such grace and confidence that the concerns raised would just disappear.
One day I decided to ask him how he did it.
“Kelly, I’m answering their questions with exactly what you have written in your doc.”
I was shocked. But it sounded so much better coming from him.
That’s when he let me in on a secret. “I’ve read your research. I believe in your thinking. But for them to believe it, they need to see that you believe in your thoughts too.”
Those words blew my mind. What would it look like if I led from a place of self-trust? When I looked through my product docs, I saw that I was thorough and thoughtful. I could have faith in my ideas. Leading with that self-assuredness changed the conversation. What once felt like a need for approval instead became a discussion.
But how do we actually “Be”?
Getting to a state of “be”-ing isn’t easy. It’s one thing to know how you should be and it’s another thing to actually “be”. How do you get to a place where you truly believe that you are a valuable PM or a solid ultimate frisbee team?
Rationality by itself won’t cut it. “Fake it til you make it” doesn’t really work.
To truly believe, you’ve got to let it sit in your heart.
So look at your past. Look at the things you’ve done, the challenges you’ve pushed through, the time you’ve spent honing a skill. If you can’t see what you’ve done, ask a friend. Work with a coach. Use whatever method that gets you to sit down and gather evidence. (I did some more thinking about how to “be” and wrote a followup here.)
Then, feel it. Let yourself feel proud of what you’ve done, awe at what you’ve overcome, and satisfaction in the time you’ve put in.
Only when you truly feel it can you believe it.
Only when you believe it can you truly be it.
We’re not always ready to “be” in all areas of our life. It takes time and work for it to sink in. I’m still figuring out how to trust that I provide value as a career coach, or to believe that I am a capable community builder.
But I want to remind you that at the end of the day, humans aren’t fully rational. We’re highly emotional. People’s emotions, confidence, energy—they influence us.
So if you strongly believe in yourself and the value you provide, we usually will too. With that belief, you’ll find that so much more is possible than you think.
Still not sure how to “be” and really own it? Check out pt 2. in the Be-Do-Have series: What does it take to truly "be”?.
Author’s note:
I learned about this mindset from a fellow coach as I was working through my confidence struggles with ultimate frisbee. It’s been really cool to see it continue to pop up in various parts of my life - from sports to running community events to running my own business. If you’re interested in exploring how to apply this mindset into your own life, let’s talk about it in a free coaching call :)
I love this! I am totally striving for be-do-have. Some days I get it but it's a constant work in progress!