The inglorious path to becoming unabashedly myself
the very real things I learned about what it takes to flourish
Ever since I left tech and set out to start my own coaching business, I’ve gotten comments like:
“Good for you for doing your own thing!”
“You’re so brave — I could never,”
“Yes! You’re living the dream!”
“That’s so cool that you get to spend your time doing so many of the things that you love.”
In many ways, I really do feel like I’m living my dream. I’m taking a chance on myself to chase after the things I deeply value, and I’m fighting against the expectations of my immigrant parents, my college degree, and even myself to make this happen.
I no longer want to not just survive. I want to thrive.
I want to flourish.
I just didn’t expect flourishing to be so hard.
The truth about flourishing
Flourishing can mean all sorts of things, but to me, to flourish means to be unabashedly myself. It means so deeply embracing who I am that I no longer question how I show up, what I want, or what I care about.
I knew flourishing would take work, but the truth is, I never expected it to be so damn uncomfortable.
People typically only see the fun, shiny side of a flourishing person — which is precisely why I want to show you the challenges. Because these struggly parts are real, normal, and 100% part of the journey.
1) You constantly wrestle with the ambiguous
To live unabashedly means you inevitably end up questioning the way things are around you — the steps of the career ladder, the expectations of marriage, the unspoken rules behind money. But questioning everything comes at a cost. You lose the security and structure that comes from believing in these “holy truths”.
For me, I sought solace in knowledge and books. I pored through the Tao of Pooh, Playing Big, and The Artist’s Way. I collected steps and frameworks. I tried to identify a north star that could give me clarity and purpose.
But it turns out it’s not that simple. I can’t just plug and play someone else’s ideals into my life. Instead, I have to continually try new things and experiment to figure out what flourishing really looks like for me.
What style of work actually will help me thrive?
What does a fulfilling relationship look like to me?
What do I really need to feel financially safe?
When you stop following societal standards, you no longer have an easy gauge for success and safety. Life inherently feels more ambiguous. So it’s up to you to figure out how to find your own sense of security in it.
2) You confront uncomfortable truths about yourself
As I pursue a life that is more true to myself, I’ve gotten a lot better at noticing when when I’m getting in my own way.
I’ll be chasing an idea that I know I want to make happen — I want to write more! What if I started a group coaching program for bipoc women to connect? — when suddenly everything comes to a complete halt. No matter how much I want to make it happen, I just can’t go any further.
That’s when I’ll discover what’s getting in my way: a new uncomfortable truth.
These truths look something like:
You care a ton about being seen as thoughtful and smart.
You can’t handle being wrong.
You’re terrified of people not wanting to be around you.
Each time, the truth shakes me to my core.
I thought I didn’t care about being seen as smart.
Why is this also connected to my need to people please?
Why is this still true in my life??
I used to try to ignore these truths and brute force my way through, but it never worked. It would come back again, with even more of a vengeance.
The thing that actually helped me continue onward was to first find a way to face these truths — no matter how uncomfortable — and understand them.
To life a life that is true to yourself, you by definition have to have a deep understanding and acceptance of everything that makes you who you are. Which means you will have to bring all parts of yourself into the spotlight.
3) You have to put in significant time and effort — and still accept that the results will be anything but linear
Flourishing is such an effortful process because you are literally upturning your default way of being to make room for who you truly are. This process includes:
becoming aware of parts of your life where you feel stuck
uncovering what’s behind it
accepting why you are the way you are
setting up experiments to break the assumptions that govern you
trying out new ways of being
This work takes dedication and effort.
But you can’t just accomplish this through sheer effort alone.
On work that’s as core as this, it’s hard to say what will truly move you forward.
Sometimes, things move quickly. Other times, things just take time.
We can’t always free ourselves at the pace that we want. And that’s totally normal.
Is flourishing worth it?
The road to flourishing is hard. It’s challenging. Sometimes I feel like my world is falling apart.
But there is also something that keeps drawing me to it.
Because each time I put myself out there, express a new emotion, say a stronger opinion — even if things are hard and struggly and painful, I find myself still standing on the other side.
Yes, you lose friendships, but you also deepen and gain other ones.
Yes, you fail and get rejected, but you also learn more about yourself and get creative in ways you never could have before.
Yes, you write something people don’t like, but you also end up engaging in interesting conversation you’d never have otherwise.
At the moment, the change doesn’t always feel good. But when I come out on the other side, I’m regularly surprised at what I’m capable of.
I find a little more of my voice.
I uncover some more inner strength.
I grow a little less scared to go after what I want.
And I feel just a bit more at home in my own skin.
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This is wonderful and speaks to so much I've felt too. We are on our way to flourishing!
Loved this Kelly!