Be-do-have pt. 2: What does it take to truly "be"?
Buying into the mind-body connection to make true mindset shifts
This is Part 2 of a 3 part series about the Be-Do-Have mindset.
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After writing about the Be-Do-Have mindset, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it takes to actually “be”. How do you get from wanting to “be” a certain way to actually being it and believing it?
What does it mean to “be”?
It’s surprisingly hard to pinpoint an exact definition.
Yet, for most of us, it’s quite easy to identify the things we deeply believe about ourselves and the things we don’t.
Here are some examples from my own life.
My brain can pull up all sorts of examples for why both Set A and Set B are true. Rationally, I should be able to accept both sets of statements.
But when I look at each set, it hits different.
When I look at set A, my heart is still. I feel grounded and calm.
When I look at set B, my stomach turns. My chest tightens. I’ll do anything I can to change the topic and avoid those feelings.
In modern society, we’re so dang good at the cognitive stuff. We revere evidence-based practices, logic, and data. We can easily put together a performance packet and present concrete examples that convince others why we’re good at what we do.
So how come so many of us still regularly struggle with believing in ourselves?
Because “being” doesn’t just require the cooperation of the mind, it also needs buy-in from the body.
So how do you get buy-in?
Over the past month, I’ve been playing around with how to “be”. From my observations, I believe there are three main ways to get your full self to believe: 1) leading with the mind 2) leading with the body and 3) leading with action.
Leading with the mind
I’ve never been good at getting my photo taken. When I see a camera, I either panic, hold a pose for <1 second and turn away, or purposely make a dumb face. But the funny thing is, I don’t actually hate photos. On the contrary, I really appreciate good photos of myself. But every time, I make it very difficult to get one.
The truth is, I want to look cool, but I’m afraid that even if I try my hardest, I’m going to look dumb. And then, I’ll feel dumber for trying.
This time, I decided to resolve my camera struggles once and for all. I decided to get a photoshoot.
I went into the shoot with full intention of embracing the process. But as soon as the camera came out, I couldn’t get my face to do anything besides my awkward downturned smile.
But I wasn’t working with just any photographer. I was working with a photographer who was also a coach.
“Okay let’s forget about the pose for a minute. When is a time that you’ve felt extremely confident?”
I thought of a moment on the frisbee field after I scored a layout goal. Damn that was cool.
“Okay great - now close your eyes and really feel that moment.”
As I closed my eyes and focused in on that memory, my body relaxed. My dread and anxiety started to fade. And in its place, I felt pride.
With my eyes still closed, he then had me choose a stance that matched how I felt in that moment. It felt a little weird to express my confidence with a pose, but for the first time, I was able to try a pose without laughing or running away.
Woah this is cool.
But it didn’t end there.
My photographer iterated off of my pose, asking me to put my hand on my hip, take a wider stance, push my shoulders back, and lean into one hip.
And then, he told me to breathe into it.
At first, I felt resistant. But as I let myself embrace it and breathe. I started to feel another feeling. A feeling of power. Confidence. Badassness.
In that moment, I was powerful. I could unabashedly take up space. My mind had triggered a memory that influenced my body, and then my body further influenced my mind. I was fully believed in who I was, and it was awesome.
Leading with the body
Sometimes, the mind is not in a place to lead the charge.
Even if you’ve already done the work to visualize your strengths and deeply believe in yourself, it can be hard to hold onto it when things get hard.
In ultimate frisbee, your ability to “be” is regularly challenged during tournaments, where you have to fight against both mental and physical exhaustion as you play up to 7 games across 2 days.
That’s where leading with the body comes in.
Like most athletic teams, my ultimate team uses physical rituals to keep the team connected and energized. After a point, every player on my team will go on the field and high-five whoever was on that point. But when we’re not careful, the way in which we do this ritual backfires. When we score a big point, we rush the field, high five each other with vigor, and get amped. But when we lose, we amble on, we give passive high fives, and our spirits deflate.
Last tournament, we decided to do something different. What if we made the way we did our high-fives consistent?
We collectively decided that we would not just high-five each other, we would actually jog towards our teammates and do it. It didn’t matter if we won or lost the point, or if we were dead tired. We would jog on and give our teammates solid, intentional high-fives.
This small change actually made me start to feel differently. When I jogged onto the field, I felt more engaged. Not scoring no longer felt like “shoot, we might lose”. Instead it felt like “Hey, we’re in this. We’re close. We can do this”.
That tournament showed me that even the smallest body movements can influence our minds. Moving a certain way strengthens our beliefs. It reminds us that “this is who we are”.
Leading with action
There are other times when you’re unable to convince your mind and body to “be”.
For the past half year, I’d been wanting to run events that bring cool people together in meaningful ways. But each time I had a new idea, I got stuck. It didn’t matter how many events I had run in the past - I didn’t feel like an event facilitator or community builder, and I couldn’t convince my body or mind to believe otherwise.
So what finally worked?
Getting out there and running an event.
But how? I didn’t run just any event. I created the smallest and simplest event that I could, that would get rid of as many of my fears as possible. Afraid that people would dislike my ideas? I chose a board game called We’re Not Really Strangers to facilitate connection instead. Not sure if people would show up? I pubbed the event at The Commons, where there was a large audience and a high chance that at least some folks would be interested.
And it worked. That mini event allowed me to realize that I felt such joy and ease with facilitation. I was able to recognize that that I made people feel welcome and open. With that smaller action, I was able to believe that I am a community builder.
Connecting mind and body
If you’re trying to deeply believe something about yourself so that you can “be”, here are some ideas to try:
Lead with the mind: Close your eyes and visualize a moment where you felt ____ [confident, brave, like a writer, etc]. Take a few deep breaths. Notice where you feel it in your body. Allow your body to move in a way that expresses those feelings “out loud”. Observe how you feel after.
Lead with the body: Strike a pose or do a movement that might trigger how you want to feel (i.e. jog, do a power pose, smile). Really let yourself feel the moment. Try losing yourself in it. Your mindset may just follow.
Lead with an action: Think of an action that you would do if you could “be” a certain way. Make it smaller and then do it (i.e. Run a small event, write a short piece, take on a tougher matchup on the field). Pay attention. What did you observe? How did you feel afterwards? Reflect on the experience with both your mind and your body.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if you lead from your body or your mind or from an action. To believe, both your mind and body need to buy in. That is how you will truly be able to “be”.
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