Honor your parents or honor yourself?

How changing my need for parental approval gave me the freedom to pursue my coaching career

Aug 22, 2023

Growing up, I was incredibly proud of my parents.

They both grew up in China — my dad in the countryside, my mom in the city. They met in college and then decided to come to the US to pursue higher education. It wasn’t easy. My dad toiled away at his PhD. My mom studied for her masters by day and worked at a restaurant by night. They saved every penny so that they could not only build a better life for themselves, but also for their future children and for everybody back home.

My parents put everything into my sister and me. They left work early to drive us to swim, tennis and piano lessons. My mom helped me design clothespin dolls in elementary school and practice SAT vocab words in high school. My dad patiently explained physics and math concepts until I truly understood them. In my 18 years at home, I never saw my parents go on a single date or trip by themselves. It was always the four of us — my mom, my dad, my sister, and me.

Despite their background, my parents were not Tiger parents. They didn’t pressure me to go to Ivy Leagues or force me to stick to hobbies that I didn’t like. Yet, I still wanted to do well. I felt a deep responsibility to fulfill my potential and do amazing things with everything my parents had given me.

The best way to do that was to do what was most valuable for society, which in my eyes, was pursing math and science. My family had always valued STEM. My dad was a research scientist and my mom was a software engineer. When I saw I had a knack for it while others didn’t, that made me more convinced that this was the route to go. So I embarked on the road to success - going to a top tier university, getting a high paying job in tech, and continuing to climb the career ladder. I was determined to prove to the world that I was capable of anything.

A snag in the fabric

I was good at my job. I got technical features done quickly. Within one year of working, I got promoted to tech lead and engineering manager. But I never quite enjoyed it.

I then switched to product management, thinking that having more ownership of the building process and a closer connection to the people I was building for would make things better, but 2 years later, I was exhausted and unhappy.

The more time I spent in tech, the more I began to question my career. I contemplated what it’d be like to take a break and step away from the tech industry entirely.

This was also the phase where my parents and I grew apart. Since moving across the country, I naturally stopped talking to them as much. When I did, I frequently bashed on capitalism and the modern work culture. When they shared a different opinion, I’d laugh at how out of touch they were with the world. Instead of talking about my job, I’d go on about the hikes I was planning and the countries I wanted to visit. To my parents, I became a wild child. To me, my parents felt outdated.

Even so, every time I wanted to do something that deviated from the “normal” path, like living in New Zealand for 6 months or quitting my job without anything lined up, I still desperately sought their approval. Because at the end of the day, I still trusted them, maybe more than I trusted myself. The last thing I wanted to do was to take their hard work for granted and do something irresponsible or idealistic.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but each time I came up with another idea, in the end, my parents almost always gave me their blessing. Even when I told them I wanted to take 6 months off from working, they supported me. Yet, I still didn’t feel free. When I told them about my latest projects on my sabbatical, they listened, but they didn’t really ask questions. It felt like there was something that wasn’t being said. Did they actually approve of what I was doing? Were they just waiting for the right moment to share their real thoughts?

Trying something new

Two months into getting laid off, I realized that I wanted to leave tech and try something new. Specifically, I wanted to try coaching. I decided to set up a small test. I would post to my network and offer free coaching sessions and see how it’d go. As I was about to press ‘Publish’, I hesitated. I hadn’t yet talked to my parents about it. I had never taken a new step in my career without their approval.

I don’t know what compelled me to do it, but this time, I decided to hide it. I already had my own reservations about coaching. I didn’t need someone else’s opinions to feed into my doubts and fears. This time, I wanted to listen to my heart. I wanted to give this idea a chance.

The freedom from judgment was incredible. I could try out coaching without worrying about the longterm implications on my career. I could enjoy it for what it was - and I was loving it. But as days passed and I realized with more certainty that I wanted coaching to be part of my future, I felt an overwhelming desire to tell my parents. Despite our differences, I still deeply respected them. I wanted them to know.

I went into that phone call armed with examples, confidence, and a watertight story explaining why this would work. Once again, my parents didn’t push back. My dad said he wanted me to be happy. My mom stayed quiet. I had gotten their support. I had done it. So why did I still feel so unsure?

Breaking the silence

It wasn’t until I visited home that I truly had to confront that unease.

My parents don’t often comment on my writing, but that evening my mom decided to chat with me about it. I had recently written a piece about my confidence and how I was learning to find my sense of self.

“I had no idea you felt that way. I was talking about it with Baba, and he said maybe when you write you exaggerate.”

I felt like I had been hit in the gut. The main reason I wrote was to share my lived experience as authentically as I could. To think that they thought it was an exaggeration hurt so much. I lost it.

“You really don’t get it. If you are going to judge my writing, then don’t read it!”

“Fine I won’t read it! Why do I care!”

My dad tried to step in. “Kelly we’re just trying to understand. We didn’t know you felt this way.”

But I couldn’t hear him. In the span of minutes, my mom had turned away, I was sobbing, and my dad was overwhelmed. If this had been a phone call, I would have hung up and run away. But because we were in person, I couldn’t.

But being in person also meant that the conversation ended up taking a step beyond where we had gone before. Maybe it was because of all the therapy I’d been doing, but I decided to share my feelings. I told them how much I wanted them to be proud of me, how much I feared taking what they had given me for granted. And bit by bit, we unearthed our feelings. My dad shared his frustration of our language gap and how he often felt misinterpreted. My mom broke her silence and shared her fear that my self-confidence struggles meant that she had failed as a parent. She shared her regret that my MIT degree might go to waste and her worry that I might not be able to stand out as a coach.

Through that conversation, I realized that my parents really were trying to understand me. They had been ever since I had taken time off two years ago. That’s why they read all my writing. That’s why they were thinking so much about what my career might look like. They were really trying to understand me and what made me happy — more than I had ever thought. And that meant the world.

Finally, we’re seeing each other in full color

A new relationship with parental approval

Since then, I have committed to forging ahead in my coaching career, trying out different ideas and seeing what works. I’m getting used to making my career decisions on my own. I’ve realized that the key to feeling confident about my career is by building trust with myself.

That doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped having conversations with my parents. But instead of looking for their approval, I seek understanding. Yes, we might not always be aligned on every decision. Yes, we will continue to have miscommunications because of our slight language barrier. But in each call, I can see that they continue to lean in.

So we continue to talk. We continue to learn and build trust in each other. And while I will continue to act from a place of honoring myself first, I’m happy that I’ll be able to have their trust and understanding as I do it.

Author’s note:

Proactively having these conversations with my parents wasn’t always in my nature. It was in a coaching session that I first realized that my fear of disappointing my parents was stopping me from making the career decisions I wanted. Coaching gave me the push I needed to be vulnerable with my parents so that I could move my career forward.

If you’re feeling stuck or are holding back from making the life transformation you want, please don’t hesitate to reach out! I’d love to support you and help you find ways to move forward. You can sign up for a quick call with me here.

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